where did i go wrong and how can i fix this?

where do i even begin.

after committing career suicide and taking a risk i thought was worth taking, I am now suffering the consequences.

desperate to leave my previous stable work place i jumped ship.

i did not know i was jumping into a sinking ship.

and now, here i am.

drowning and struggling to stay afloat.

my finances are fucked, my savings keep depleting. im trying to swim. but i am just getting tired.

how the fuck did i go from earning double digits, to a slightly above entry level salary.

promises were made, and then subsequently broken.

but hey, why am i complaining, at least i have a job no?

but yes, what is the point in having one, if your employer can hardly pay your salary and sometimes you only get half.

commitments are being stretched. debt is stacking up.

how did I get here? i was too bold.

ive basically not moved in my career at all, in fact i've gone backwards. and sometimes i question myself, am I really good at doing what I do? Sure, Ive messed up here and there occasionally but never has it gone beyond repair.

I feel like I am struggling because i loathe my career choice, and I have been doing since 2009. thats 9 years! 9 FUCKING YEARS of doing something I hate.

And i feel stuck, because it is all I know, and its not like I can suddenly change career paths. even if i try, ill have to go into a postion where I will be even worse off than I initially was.

im stuck and i hate this feeling. its not that i dont know what to do about it. i do.

and its got me really really down. i didnt think i would be in the state that i am in now at any point in my life.

it all went to hell when i decided to jump ship.

im drowning and im losing the will to keep swimming.

what is the reason for me to keep breathing? seriously?

ive fucked up my career badly, my savings are being depleted, im in a relationship with someone who i can never get married to (which is my ultimate life goal), what reason is there for me to keep breathing?

my mother? who constantly demands money from me and gives me a reminder as to what a failure i have become. she can take care of herself. she has the money.

im tired of feeling this pain. really tired. im not giving up.

im just tired of breathing.

somedays i feel like walking away from you.

but i cant bring myself to do so.

is this pain worth enduring?


why is it all you make me feel nowadays is bad about myself and sad.

im tired of this feeling.

so tired.

i love you but i dont know how much more i can put up with.

perhaps the end is closer than we thought it would be.

today you make me sad, with the sudden outburst.

Intensity, Pent up emotions

Today i cried and faced my worst fears. 

I am terrified and i am lost.

And i am losing the will to keep breathing.

What has become of this thing called “my life”, what have i done to get to where i am now.

I am struggling to find reasons to keep going and keep fighting.

The only thing thats keeping me breathing is that i dont want to leave him alone and also well the mother as well, and my friends too . i cant inflict pain on the people i love, i wldnt be able to deal with that in the after life, if there even is one.

Lost.

The most appropriate word for me now.

Lost is me. I am not sure what im looking for, i am not sure i want to be found, all i know is that this pain this weight this burden ive been carrying, it needs to go.

an attempt?

so i've decided i need an outlet, an outlet to reflect, vent, express what I am feeling.

this used to be my outlet but then i stopped.

its time for my to try and revive myself from this hole i've been in for the past few years

the cause?

i would say it would be uncertainty, self loathing, wanting the easy way out and being faced with mountain high obstacles, mistakes made, loss,.

my shoulders feel heavy. literrally. what is this weight that I am carrying? why have i taken responsibility to carry it.

im tired of carrying it. im tired of putting on my smile every morning and trudging through the mud.

i want to stop, lie down, and make snow angles in the mud and just have the world to go away.

leave me alone, just for a while, please, i need to be alone.

well, thats the problem isnt it?

Life goes on, and things keep moving. Nothing stops or waits for you.

so therefore i cannot stop, its like you cant stop paddling if you're swimming in the sea, you've got to keep going to breathe, to live.

the questions are however, what am i breathing for ? what am i living for? what is my purpose? am i a significant being?