Intensity, Pent up emotions

Today i cried and faced my worst fears. 

I am terrified and i am lost.

And i am losing the will to keep breathing.

What has become of this thing called “my life”, what have i done to get to where i am now.

I am struggling to find reasons to keep going and keep fighting.

The only thing thats keeping me breathing is that i dont want to leave him alone and also well the mother as well, and my friends too . i cant inflict pain on the people i love, i wldnt be able to deal with that in the after life, if there even is one.

Lost.

The most appropriate word for me now.

Lost is me. I am not sure what im looking for, i am not sure i want to be found, all i know is that this pain this weight this burden ive been carrying, it needs to go.

an attempt?

so i've decided i need an outlet, an outlet to reflect, vent, express what I am feeling.

this used to be my outlet but then i stopped.

its time for my to try and revive myself from this hole i've been in for the past few years

the cause?

i would say it would be uncertainty, self loathing, wanting the easy way out and being faced with mountain high obstacles, mistakes made, loss,.

my shoulders feel heavy. literrally. what is this weight that I am carrying? why have i taken responsibility to carry it.

im tired of carrying it. im tired of putting on my smile every morning and trudging through the mud.

i want to stop, lie down, and make snow angles in the mud and just have the world to go away.

leave me alone, just for a while, please, i need to be alone.

well, thats the problem isnt it?

Life goes on, and things keep moving. Nothing stops or waits for you.

so therefore i cannot stop, its like you cant stop paddling if you're swimming in the sea, you've got to keep going to breathe, to live.

the questions are however, what am i breathing for ? what am i living for? what is my purpose? am i a significant being?